i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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