I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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