you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
