i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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