chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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