Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Bring me that man meat
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
