you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
