Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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