i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
