pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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