He disabled his match.com account in front of me
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
