someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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