I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
