oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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