We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
