My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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