You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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