I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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