I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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