I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Randomize
