playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
