Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
