im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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