i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
