I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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