in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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