Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
