Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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