Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
