Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
