You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
