Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
