wrigley field is MILF paradise
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Randomize
