Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Randomize
