If i could tip my vagina, i would.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
