we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
