he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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