Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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