I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
