why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
