she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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