I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
should my penis look like a turkey
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
