I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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