the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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