just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize