We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
