He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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