Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
