We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
