Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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