Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
